S1E6 PT.3 BEING A 3RD + EXPECTATIONS + BEING AN ENIGMA
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“STEPH, YOU’RE SUCH AN INTERESTING ENIGMA”
ENIGMA - a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.
Hey friends! Here is the 3rd episode from my conversation with Hillary. If you missed the first two, take a listen here:
Episode 1: Tinder Meetups + The Dinosaur Ride + Overthinking Makeouts
Episode 2. Monogomish + Dating after Marriage + Cold Sores
Episode 3. Being a 3rd + Expectations + Being An Enigma
I have really been struggling putting this specific episode out into the world (meaning not just on my Patreon). It is pretty personal and I constantly feel the need to explain myself... Which seems impossible! If someone doesn't know my full story, the environment I was raised in, my first sexual experiences, or my firsts with being intimate and trusting others and how that was used against me, it seems like it just won't click for some people. I am learning that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I will offer a little glimpse into my brain meat in this post because it’s hard to get it all out there on the podcast. Things from our past shape us, but I believe that talking about it can help us sift through the complications and help us become more self aware individuals. So, here I am.
PERFORMING:
I always explain it as being a chameleon; blending in with our surroundings, or quickly changing ourselves for whatever reason. With chameleons, most color changes are simply for communication purposes, which makes sense to me. There's a sense of urgency in giving people what they need and adapting to that quickly in order to make them happy; happy with themselves and happy with US. Performing to keep the peace was a huge part of my life. Having feelings seemed foreign, and if I did have one, I made sure that it only came out as bubbly and positive. The rest were either internalized or completely pushed down so far that they were forgotten about. Sometimes, I didn’t even know I was performing, because that was the role I was called to play a majority of my life. When I finally realized that it was NOT a healthy way of existing in life, living FOR pleasing others, it took a lot of undoing thoughts in my mind. What a lot of people don’t talk about is figuring out how to undo your body's physical response to that way of living. Mastering the art of being what anyone needs at anytime takes time, and so does unlearning that.
WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
I didn’t fully answer this in the episode. You can hear the long pauses and the struggle to figure out what to say and how to say it. Hurting and disappointing others has been my number one fear in my life to the point of waking up every single morning with a guilty stomach because I surely must have done something “wrong." Most of my life I never needing anything from others. I didn’t ask when I needed help. I remember getting sick in 3rd grade and throwing up in bed and my mom walked in on me trying to clean it up myself. I didn’t have access to feelings, so needing someone to talk to seemed pointless or didn’t feel like an option.
FEELING SAFE.
When I finally did let my guard down to trust in someone, the very intimate parts of my life and the few feelings I did experience were used against me, and I was blackmailed with them. Feeling safe is a something I struggle with most, and I am still working through that, so I don’t have much to say about that right now. Perhaps one day.
DEFINING "ADDED BONUS"
In these episodes, I use the phrases “being a 3rd" and "added bonus."
Being a 3rd (for me) doesn’t mean having a threesome. It means meeting someone who is already in an exisiting open relationship with established rules between them and their partner, and going on dates with that person. If it ends, we both knew what we were signing up for.
Added bonus: I use this a couple times in different ways. One way is positive, and the other I feel is a trigger from my past that I still have some weird feelings about and am working through.
Added bonus 1: Being fully happy with my life, actively working on myself and being in a good space mentally. Anyone I end up being in a relationship with is an added bonus. Another full and complete person who isn’t looking for me to complete something in them.
Added bonus 2: Being a random “added bonus” in this situation looked like lying and dangerous chaos. It looked like being lied about, being used, fulfilling a need for someone without them ever wanting me fully, and being with people who are cheating on their significant other with me. That’s all I knew when I was younger. Let me tell ya… THAT takes a lot of undoing mentally and physically.
BEING A PIECE OF SOMEONES STORY VS. WHOLE STORY.
Are we ever going to arrive at having all of our crap figured out? We are always a work in progress. I think we’ll always have baggage to sort through, but carrying that baggage on our own and actively working to unpack it is our own responsibility. Getting into a relationship with someone who has packed lightly vs getting into a relationship with someone who has a large, dusty old storage unit and wants to utilize your organizational skills…? We’ve all been there, and to each their own, but for me, it makes me think that I MIGHT need to revisit my definition of “red flag." Of course I am not referring to EVERYONE I have been in a relationship with when I discuss these topics on my podcast, but there are some common themes tied throughout the past. I have been attracted to and/or have attracted people who are searching for something or someone to fix a certain aspect of their life. They aren’t completely happy with where they’re at in life, and the level at which I step in to help is not healthy for either party. I have since realized that trait has been a distraction from me BEING with myself. You cannot fix someone. You cannot save someone. We must save ourselves because we desire complete happiness WITH OURSELVES, FOR OURSELVES.
Love you all.
