S1E6 OVERTHINKING WITH STEPH [HILL FORTIN]
TINDER MEETUPS + THE DINOSAUR RIDE + OVERTHINKING MAKEOUTS
Safe to say, I haven’t overthought putting out an episode this much since... EVER.
I was taught from a young age that there is extreme shame attached to topics such as sex, hooking up, making out, polyamory, and STDs. Being raised in a strict, conservative and religious environment stifled any conversation surrounding these topics; topics that “a good girl" shouldn’t speak about. Bodies were private, hidden and shameful, and sex was simply not discussed. As a teenager, I remember my parents turning the channel and making awkward comments if a straight couple kissed for too long on TV.
I thought I was broken because I didn't feel anything for guys, and I had no one to talk to about what I did feel. The crazy plot twist that I’m actually gay only compounded my suspicion that I was irreparably broken, and now it felt like I was broken x2. That confirmation added another layer of confusion to my already stressed out teenage body. I had no idea what I was doing or feeling, no one to confide in, and I was hearing from the only ones I knew and loved that people like me were abominations.
I was scared, so I mastered falling in line, blending in, and keeping everyone happy.
That mostly meant that I:
Did not ask questions.
Had little to no information about physical connection or intimacy.
Trusted people in the church that I respected, and was taken advantage of.
Wasn't able to form my own thoughts and opinions on pretty much anything.
Panicked any time someone even mentioned anything sexual.
Felt sick to my stomach at the thought of putting anything about these topics out into the world where people might listen and judge me and the conversation.
I started this podcast as a way to reconcile my upbringing by having the hard conversations that make us uncomfortable. As an adult, I still get anxiety thinking about discussing these very important and NORMAL parts of life. I tend to stray away from those conversations, and quite honestly, run in the opposite direction if people ask too many questions. I’m tired of that shame, though, and I’m done hiding.
I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve met someone on a dating app, and it has mostly been inviting someone out as a friend. Hillary and I met on Tinder near the end of 2018, and here we are a year later sitting down to record 3 episodes in Venice Beach. It was hours of hard conversation, but it was honest and beautiful, and we could have kept going! This is episode 1 of 3, and truthfully it almost didn't make the cut. I do my best to combat my paranoia surrounding privacy and recognize that this episode is just two humans talking about being humans and needing physical connection; however, episode 3 will live exclusively on my Patreon, and 1 and 2 will be free in the world.
Welcome to my brain, and come get a firsthand look into how something as simple as going on a date can be exhausting. Good luck! Listen on Apple Podcasts HERE.